SEATTLE
When you are in the ongoing throes of an inescapable urge to constantly, forcibly empty your bowels, remember - technology is here to help you through your journey to dumpsville! Here's 5 of the hottest new products on the scene.
1. Schlormp's new toilet is perfect for data-hungry adherents to the tribe of the quantified self. It will analyze your poop, provide data on your hydration, iron and fiber levels, as well as identify exactly which bacteria from the $5 back-alley burrito special you had 17 hours ago are now thrashing your gut.
2. Ploopaxis is a genetically engineered over the counter offering that can provide your stomach with an improved sense of belonging, despite your body's anguished attempts to expunge it along with everything else you've ever consumed over the past week.
3. 3 eastern bloc states that no longer exist jointly collaborated to make Zamn, the 8th-most powerful refactored-silicone based cleanser in the Eurozone! I have no idea how it got into our office. It may be strong enough to help your toilet recover from the defiling you are giving it.
4. The Facebook app will provide hours of informative content from your friends, family, and preferred news sources! It's just the thing to keep your mind occupied while in the midst of yet another a hot squirt.
5. After several hours of raging crap, soothe your sphincter with Willy's medicated toilet paper. At $48 per yard, it's not for penny-pinchers. But it's worth it - on every wipe, you will be grateful for the numbing agent and moisturizer combined with subtle hints of Hugo Boss.