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It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single person in possession of a good smartphone, must be in want of a better one. However little known the feelings or views of such a person may be on their first entering a store, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding salespeople, that they are considered the rightful property of some one or other of their devices.
[Scene: The OpenAI boardroom. Sam Altman, the president of OpenAI, is sitting at the head of the table, surrounded by other board members. He looks nervous and fidgety.]
Have you ever felt frustrated by your friends who take forever to reply to your messages, or only send you a thumbs up emoji when you pour your heart out to them? Well, now you can
Strippergrams on Demand. More commonly known as SOD.
SOD is a household name, as well-known as Tide, Kleenex, Apple, or Facebook. In fact, while most of us can still remember that it was only a few years ago that this company came into being and forever changed the experience of ordering a strippergram, it is hard to imagine life without it.
True disruption of an industry, a story of winner-takes all market domination.
Tragictech has been granted unprecedented access to the highest levels of leadership in SOD, and we are honored to provide this in-depth series of articles for your enjoyment.
Next: What is a strippergram?
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SOD, Strippergrams on Demand, has revolutionized the on-demand strippergram industry.
But, perhaps you have been living under a rock for the past 3 years, and fear letting your friends, family, and acquaintances know your ignorance?
Never fear - the TragicTech Explainer is here!
A strippergram is a stripper hired to deliver a greeting or message.
Next: How ordering a strippergram works
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Photo Credits (1), (2) | Creative Commons
SOD has made ordering a strippergram easier than ever! Here's how it all works:
1. Person decides that they need a strippergram.
2. Person uses SOD's app to choose from available strippergrams.
3.Customer chooses preferred strippergram theme, performer, time, and location.
4. The SOD app handles cash transfer between user and performer's account.
5. Enjoy the show!
Next: SOD - the path to dominating a trillion dollar industry
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Photo Credits (1), (2), (3), (4), (5) | Creative Commons
SOD's successful domination of the industry is in no small part due to its technology platform, which has enabled many people to participate in the lucrative strippergram world.
Tragictech has collected the following testimonials from SOD providers and clients.
Gary: This app has really helped unleash the pent-updemand for strippergrams . I used to work a 9-5 office job, but now I'm making a lot more money and I even get to set my own hours! I get to meet a lot of great people through this, my clients are the best!
Smitty: SOD has really helped me become more aware of my community and appreciate a lot of people I see every day. Jasmine, up the street - dynamite legwork. Hank, a buddy from golf - has this sensual grace when he's delivering a happy birthday from his tear-away tracksuit. And Gertie? Wow, nobody jumps through a cake like her. Nobody.
Lorenzo and Katie: SOD makes it so much more efficient than it used to be. We're heavy users of strippergrams; birthdays, holidays, mondays, after lunch, after coffee, whenever! Calling up and ordering blind though, it was risky - can't tell you how many times that the goods were not what was advertised. But with SOD - it's so easy! You flick, flick, and when you find something you like - click! Right there! Hot cop, naughty nurse, playful priest, Margaret Thatcher - Boom! It really livens up nights at the book club, or team meetings, or holiday dinners with the family!
Barb: I had never done this before SOD, but since it's so easy these days, I hire other strippergram performers to come by during my off hours so I can learn their moves. Now I know all the local favorites: The Pike Place Pole Pull. The Daring Denny Way. The Flaunting Fauntleroy. The Massive Mercer. The Hussy Huskie. The Cranky Cougar. The Snorkling Salmon. The Gates Foundation.
Next: The other side of the pole: The cost of disruption
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Photo Credits (1), (2), (3) | Creative Commons
While SOD's success is largely borne out by the massive demand of the marketplace, traditionalists have been affected. Here are some thoughts from those on the other side of SOD's rapid rise.
Sally: I'm not happy about SOD's surge pricing! I was totally happy with the old way - I'd book in advance, like NORMAL people do, and pay the agreed-upon rate. But now, it's 5:00 and I want some flowers delivered with a show and suddenly the price is up 400%? Forget it. SOD is messing with the market here!
Maria: They've got no respect for what it takes - 15 years ago, I came to this country with nothing, but through some janitor work and loans from my family, I was able to invest in my very own strippergram medallion - and those things aren't cheap! I've been strippergramming for a long time now, anybody thinks that they can do it, but believe me - do you know what to do when a client actually expects a real pizza after you're done with the show?
Mike: They make it sound like this line of work is all rainbows and lollipops, but man - have you seen two strippergrams fight at a double-booking? It's not pretty. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. See this eye? Got torn out by a stripping clown. See this scar? From when I knocked out a trio of naughty Hobbits. Lots of newcomers here are really messing with the community, it used to be a great scene.
FEATURE CONTENTS
Photo Credits (1), (2), (3), (4) | Creative Commons
Strippergrams on Demand. An idea so blindingly obvious and perfect, it staggers the mind that no one else had thought of it before.
But that was the position Tony Hampshire realized he was in, after receiving inspiration following an unfortunate experience where he faced an interminable wait for his favorite provider. (See the Tragictech interview with Tony here)
Since that fateful day, SOD has steadily grown its business and created a global empire.
SOD's ascendance is primarily tied to its mobile-first app strategy; by providing a free app and money brokering service to both providers and clients of strippergrams, the entrenched guild-like strippergram establishment was cut out of the equation, enabling the industry to flourish with an influx of providers; many of which were not of the traditional strippergram body type.
An example of the non-traditional strippergram type that has flourished following SOD's release.
Part of SOD's success is also in no small part due to its aggressive expansion into new markets, and establishing a business presence and marketplace before the legal framework surrounding on-demand strippergrams was fully justified.
Incumbents were upset, but Tony Hampshire, SOD's brash CEO is quick to point out that these incumbents certainly had plenty of time to offer such services to their communities, and the fact that the communities adopted the SOD offering so quickly is evidence that they had been underserved by the strippergram establishment for some time.
SOD quickly expanded through North America, South America Europe, and Africa. Asia took a little longer to crack, due to the need to customize and adjust to the different cultural environment. However, through strategic partnerships and unique, exclusive content for the Asian markets, SOD recently announced Q4 earnings of 200 billion USD in revenue from the Asia Pacific region.
SOD event with providers and partners in an event in Seoul, Korea.
Where to next for this pioneer of capitalism? Tony is playing coy with this reporter, and is only giving the cryptic reply of "it's gonna be out of this world!".
The world eagerly awaits.
BREAKING UPDATE: Tony has announced the next frontier of strippergrams in his exclusive interview with Tragictech.
FEATURE CONTENTS
Photo Credits (1), (2), (3), (4) | Creative Commons
Where others have seen frustration, Tony Hampshire saw opportunity.
By capitalizing on realigning market incentives and opportunities, he and his company, SOD, exploded the strippergram industry into a 1 trillion dollar global juggernaut.
How did he do it? What was his motivation? Does he enjoy the company of strippergrams? Find out this, and more in the exclusive Tragictech interview!
SEATTLE
When you are in the ongoing throes of an inescapable urge to constantly, forcibly empty your bowels, remember - technology is here to help you through your journey to dumpsville! Here's 5 of the hottest new products on the scene.
1. Schlormp's new toilet is perfect for data-hungry adherents to the tribe of the quantified self. It will analyze your poop, provide data on your hydration, iron and fiber levels, as well as identify exactly which bacteria from the $5 back-alley burrito special you had 17 hours ago are now thrashing your gut.
2. Ploopaxis is a genetically engineered over the counter offering that can provide your stomach with an improved sense of belonging, despite your body's anguished attempts to expunge it along with everything else you've ever consumed over the past week.
3. 3 eastern bloc states that no longer exist jointly collaborated to make Zamn, the 8th-most powerful refactored-silicone based cleanser in the Eurozone! I have no idea how it got into our office. It may be strong enough to help your toilet recover from the defiling you are giving it.
4. The Facebook app will provide hours of informative content from your friends, family, and preferred news sources! It's just the thing to keep your mind occupied while in the midst of yet another a hot squirt.
5. After several hours of raging crap, soothe your sphincter with Willy's medicated toilet paper. At $48 per yard, it's not for penny-pinchers. But it's worth it - on every wipe, you will be grateful for the numbing agent and moisturizer combined with subtle hints of Hugo Boss.
SAN FRANCISCO
Investors were stunned and amazed by Tinder CEO Sean Rad's comparison of his company's success to a great 'Alabama Crab Dangle".
The reference was problematic as a well-accepted definition of the "Alabama Crab Dangle" has yet to surface.
Pressed on this, Mr. Rad confirmed that he thought the act was a cool thing that adults do that he should talk about.
When presented with the numerous definitions available at the Urban Dictionary, Mr. Rad at first expressed shock, dismay, denial, and then later moved on into curiosity, asking detailed and personal preferences from many of the attractive reporters in the audience. The press event was then suddenly cut short as Mr. Rad had organized an impromptu "Dangle Party" at his residence.
Due to a strict "no extra sausage" policy in strict enforcement at the door, TragicTech was unable to obtain additional information on the event.
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Better luck next year, Apple.
